A Glimpse of Thoughts at 5 AM

Not-so-smelly sweaty, after bathing in the sun right 

above the head. Will feel disgusted because they 

say women should be sweet-scented, not sun-scented. 

Will feel unconfident because they say: women 

should not have sweaty-mark in their shirt.  

They say, "You need to  

     well-behaved,  

     well-dressed, 

     well-spoken,  

     and be a good woman." 

Recently, I've struggled with my own anxiety: about everything.

Ha. What's new.

Ranging from the tiniest thing (going to new places) to a quite serious thing (like school). I really want to share everything inside my head. But it won't come out every time I try to spit it out. So, I will start from what recently I've encounter: the insecurity of too sweaty and too smelly.

I walk quite a lot, so I sweat a lot. I will feel insecure every time I enter the room with AC on it. It's because I know that I don't smell so nice after being in the sun for a while. I also have, what I called as, sweaty mark in my shirt, because of the backpack I carry.

However, it seems that those insecurities only happen inside my head because I don't think other people feel bothered. After I think it further, maybe these insecurities caused by the norm that I followed. I couldn't explain it, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

At the end of the day, I will forget all of those things. Makes me wondering, "

                     ... ... ...
                     ... ... ... "

I've said it before that I am also insecure about going into new places.

One day, I have decided that I wanted to go to the event in a not-so-new place. I went to bath and then get ready. I've changed my clothes, put sunscreen and lipstick, and also already put my shoes; but suddenly, I doubted my decision.   

Then, I stop and think about whether I should go or not. Took me a while when I finally decided to go to the event.

When I'm on my way, I can't hold it anymore:
my tears falling down.

At first, it's so hard to admit that I was afraid. But I've made a promise to myself that I will not ignore my own feelings anymore. I have to acknowledge it and (I hope) that'll make me appreciate myself more.

Walk through the forest,  

without being able to see: 

if there's the end 

or not 

Leaves flew, touches my face, my feet, my hand. 

The wind coming by  

whispering, 

“Where do you go?"